Rain on Me
by BroodyBlondes4ever
Summary: While trying to solve one problem, Peyton gets into more trouble then she's sure she can handle. This fic will get into some dark things occasioanlly. R&R!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer- As usual I own nothing but the plot L

Summary: While trying to solve one problem Peyton gets into more then she can handle. This is a look into the Peyton/Rick relationship for those who read Broken, if you didn't read Broken it doesn't matter. Peyton's POV. Enjoy!

I'm looking in the mirror  
At this woman down and out  
She's internally dying  
And knew this was not what love's about  
  
I don't wanna be this woman  
The second time around  
'Cause I'm waking up screaming, no longer believing  
That I'm gunna be around  
  
And over and over I tried  
Yet over and over you lied  
And over and over i cired, yeah  
I don't know why  
  
And over and over I tried  
Yet over and over you lied  
And over and over i cired, yeah  
I don't know why

Rain on me  
Lord, won't you take this pain from me  
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe  
Baby, just rain on me  
Lord, won't you take this pain from me  
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, no  
  
See, I don't want to hug my pillow late at night no more  
I'm tossing and turning and thinking 'bout burning down these walls  
I-I don't wanna fuel this fire no more, no more, no more  
See, I made up my mind 'cause I've wasted my time  
Ain't nothing here to keep me warm  
  
And over and over I tried  
Yet over and over you lied  
And over and over i cired, yeah  
I don't know why  
  
And over and over I tried  
Yet over and over you lied  
And over and over i cired, yeah  
I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried   
  
Rain on me  
Lord, won't you take this pain from me  
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe  
Baby, just rain on me  
Lord, won't you take this pain from me  
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, no  
  
I'm so tired of the rain  
In my life  
And I'm so tired of the strain  
And I ain't gunna lie  
  
'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and  
This here it just don't seem right and  
Sometimes I just wonder why I  
Almost let my life go by  
  
'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and  
This here it just don't seem right and  
Sometimes I just wonder why I  
Almost let my life go by   
  
Rain on me  
Lord, won't you take this pain from me  
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe  
Baby, just rain on me  
Lord, won't you take this pain from me  
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe

Well I guess that was the way I felt sometimes. I really can't say though because I don't know when my feelings changed. I guess things really got bad over the last couple of years and they just kept getting worse. I was trying so hard to fix my mistakes, I was trying to dig myself out of this whole I was in and I just dug deeper.

Sometimes I look around at the people in my life and I wonder what it's like to walk in their shoes. I would do almost anything to change my life and all the shit I've been through and there are days when I wish that I could live someone else's life. I look at Haley and I think that it would be great to have her life, to actually be happy. But the more I sit around and think about it, the more I realize that I really don't want to change. It might take time but I always come to the same conclusion and that's the fact that people probably think the same thing about me. I look happy most of the time and I can't help but think that maybe some people just hide their pain better than I do. No one knows what emotional baggage people are carrying around with them everyday.

You never know whose life is genuinely good and who has a drunken step dad that beats the shit out of them at night. So when I'm lying in bed at night I have to tell myself that I don't really have it that bad, that people have to go through a lot more than I do. I know that there are people out there that would kill for my life and a lot of the time I'd be glad to give it to them, but I wouldn't want their life in return. No, if I gave up my life to someone else I'd just wanna die. After all, that would be a lot better then that hell hole I know as my life.

I think that the worse part of my life over the last month, wasn't the actual pain because after a while that kind of disappeared. I think I just went numb to everything around and I stopped caring. The worst part was being scared. I can honestly say that I wasn't afraid to die, but I wasn't exactly scared to live either. So what was I scared of? I was terrified of tomorrow because I never knew what life had in store for me. I didn't know whether it was something good or bad and I would always wish that I could just stay in the present, where I knew what was going on and I knew what to expect. Going back in the past would have been better then moving forward because I knew the past already and I knew what was gunna happen but when it came to the future that was out of my control.

There was one other thing that scared me. This scared me more then my future and I'm pretty sure that I was supposed to be able to control this. See since my mom died, saying that I had issues would guarantee you the 'Understatement of the Year' award. I didn't and still don't have issues, I am an issue and I don't think that even touches who I am. I find interest in what some would call dark things. I love to draw, it's my escape, but most of the time I use black and I find in soothing. I love the night; its dark and I guess it makes me feel like I'm able to hide things, hide myself. So when I draw in black it's like I can release things but no one will actually know because it's hidden in the darkness of the color. Over the last month in this relationship, and I'm not even sure that's what I'd call it, I've become more twisted then I was before. I uncovered the truth about what I was going through with Rick, and that truth scared me more then anything ever has.

When it comes down to it, at the end of the day I wouldn't have given it up for anything. The truth is that sometimes, I Peyton Sawyer liked it.

Okay that's just the introduction to the story. This was set after the relationship ended but the rest of this is going to be written during the relationship. If you're reading Broken then you pretty much know the basics but this is going to go a lot more in depth. Well, let me know what you think. I hoped you liked it and PLEASE REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 1

I untangle my bare legs from the cotton sheets before getting to my feet and stretching. I was tired, more like I was exhausted, after all I really hadn't slept that night. I couldn't stop thinking about Lucas, or Brooke for that matter. After everything those two had done for me I still treated them like crap. Lucas didn't have to but he spent the entire day with me and in the end I just told him to leave.

I pushed my legs towards the bathroom to get ready. I didn't have an interest in going to school but I didn't have a choice. I couldn't stop thinking as I brushed my teeth. I feel like some private part of me was exposed to Lucas the other day and that kind of makes my skin crawl. He saw me at my worst and that has to be the last thing I wanted. The things that went on that day are things that I only share with Brooke, but I guess that's changed now. I rinse my mouth and look at my face in the mirror. I don't look it, but inside I couldn't be more ashamed.

I hang my head down and force myself to stand against the frame of the door. I looked down at where Brooke's sleeping figure had been the other morning. After everything I've done to her lately she still came through for me, I didn't think that she would. My mother's death is something that I hope to get over every year but that never happens. She showed up that afternoon and acted like nothing had ever changed between us. She's stayed with me every year and she followed through this year. I don't know how I betrayed her the way I did. I can come up with every excuse in the book for why I let things happen between Luke and me, but none of them are ever valid. None of them take the guilt away.

I run my thin fingers through my matted curls and give one last look at the twisted sheets before getting dressed. I change quickly, not really caring about what I look like, it's really the least of my concerns at the moment. I still can't believe how easily I dismissed Luke that night. It hurt to do it but he'll never know. Brooke knows that I didn't want to do it but she also understands a part of me that other people don't, a part of me that I don't want other people to understand.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him but I do know that I care about Lucas… a lot. That doesn't matter though because in the end I can't have him. If I ever let him in I'd wind up hurting him like I do everyone else. See when things go wrong in my life I don't only hurt myself, I hurt everyone involved. I guess I might love Lucas and if I do then I love him enough to let him go. I don't want to hurt him more than I already have and if I start something with him then the pain will be inevitable.

Those are the repeating thoughts that invade my mind as I endure the lonely drive to school. The drive isn't really that lonely but I am. Lucas said that I was lonely once but I don't think he realized how right he was. I don't really have anyone in my life. I have my dad and all but he's never around so I guess I don't really have him. I can't have Lucas for the already mentioned reasons I've come up with and I'm sure I can find more. I used to have Brooke, but I screwed that one up. She may have stayed the night with me after Lucas left but the minute we got to school things were back to the way they were, her hating me and me trying desperately to apologize. I had Nathan but I didn't want him and now that someone else has him he's like this golden treasure or something.

Haley has a way of bringing out the good in people and she's worked one hell of a miracle on Nathan. I think that Nathan Scott is the perfect example of what I do to people. Nate and I used to be good friends and he was a sweet guy. When he first told me he liked me I laughed at him 'cause I thought he was joking but than he kept pursuing me. He would buy me little gifts and leave them on my desk in homeroom. I would find a rose by my locker at least once a day and inside the locker there was always a note with a little compliment on it. Sometimes he would tell me that he couldn't stop thinking about me, or that my eyes sparkled, or my outfit complimented my features, or he was mesmerized by the way my hair bounced at my shoulders, or that I looked like an angel on earth.

He was a real romantic, his compliments never consisted of you look damn sexy today babe or anything of that nature, those were things I'd begun to hear after we were going out for almost two years. Things changed when we were together, he became the asshole that I stayed with for some unknown reason. I guess I hoped he would go back to the way he was and he did go back, after he started dating Haley. I brought out the worst in Nathan and she bought out the best.

The little bit of time that I did hang out with Lucas had already started to change him. The Lucas Scott I had originally met would have never cheated on his girlfriend and he definitely wouldn't have had a one-night stand in the park with some bar slut. Maybe now that I'm removing myself from the picture he'll go back to the way he was, at least I hope so.

I shut the engine off after pulling into one of the last available parking spaces. I look around at everyone as they stand and talk at their lockers and they laugh with their friends. I force myself to forget about Brooke, Lucas, Nathan and all the other shit that's wreaked havoc on my all ready fucked up life. I grab my bag out of the back of the car and step out onto the pavement. I plaster a wide smile on my face despite everything going on, it's not hard, after all it's what I've done everyday for the past 7 years. I walk over tot eh cheerleaders standing by the gym and we talk and laugh at stupid gossip. Brooke ignores me with the exception of her occasionally scowl in my direction but I merely turn away from her and continue talking to the other girls.

I hope you like it so far…please review!


	3. Chapter 2

I swing my locker door open as the first bell rings, telling me that I have ten minutes before first period starts. I don't remove the smile from my face because I have to keep up my act even when I'm turned towards my locker. I look at sometimes as though it were my job and I have to give 200 percent at all times.

It's something I've perfected over time. It's almost the same as sex, in a twisted way. They're both something that I'm good at, that I continue to get better at. Brooke's always known everything about me, everything but this. She doesn't know that in a way I'm like her, I enjoy the sex. The only difference is that I preferred just one person while she went around the whole school.

When I was with Nathan sex was a constant and I think that's probably why I enjoyed it so much. It was something I knew was gunna happen and like I said I like things like that. There was more to it than me expecting it. It gave me a sense of control in a way.

When it came to sex I decided when and what happened and I liked that power. If I didn't want to do anything I didn't have to. But that was a two way street because if Nathan didn't want to do something than we didn't. But that wasn't a common thing. Nathan not wanting to get laid…yeah…sure.

There was something else about the whole thing I liked, something I think I thrived on. I have a tendency to fuck up everything. Even the simplest of things I manage to screw up. When I do screw up everyone notices and criticizes, but when I do something right they never pay attention. When it came to sex it was something the Nathan enjoyed and something that he wanted. I figure that if he wanted it then I had to be doing something right.

To be able to make him desire me was an amazing feeling. Watching him give little hints that he wanted sex, that he wanted me. Nathan Scott, the most popular guy is Tree Hill wanted me. Even if what he wanted was sex that didn't matter, all that mattered was that he wanted it from me. I know that it was wrong and I knew that it was wrong the entire time I was dating him but that didn't stop me.

I was addicted to the power, to the feeling and control. I was addicted to the sex. The two things I perfected are similar in some ways. They each cause people to desire me, to want something I have. I can either make people want my life or my body, either way they want me.

Its an amazing thing to have people envy you. I take a deep breath and clear my head of all thought before I close my locker door and head off the first period. As I start walking one thought lingers in my head…what would people do if they really knew me, if they really knew what I was about? If they knew, would any of them still want me?

Okay I know it was short but review please. Next chapter Peyton/Rick starts.


	4. Chapter 3

It's not until I'm about to step into the classroom that I remember one small detail that had slipped my mind earlier. Lucas was in my first period History class. "Damn" I mutter under my breath as I propel myself into the room. My eyes scan the desks quickly and to my relief he's not there yet. I quickly make my way to the back of the class and sit in a vacant desk in the corner.

I pull my binder out and a pencil. I open up to a blank page and write the date on it and prepare for the ever so interesting notes on some European War, but I absentmindedly start drawing all over the page. None of the small pictures meant anything, I was just doodling really. I was really thinking about Lucas. No matter how hard I try I can't get him off my mind.

I can feel his eyes burning a hole through me as he enters the classroom and takes his seat. I refuse to look up even thought my heart is begging me to. I don't want to hurt Luke any more than I have and that's inevitable if I let things start, so I'll just avoid him at all cost. I know that eventually I'm going to have to face him, whether its something that I plan on doing or I just happen to bump into him on the street or in the halls either way I can't dodge him forever.

I look down at the now filled loose-leaf and sigh as I examine to picture I just drew of him. He really is all I think about sometimes. To me the sad part is that I can draw his portrait form memory and it will look exactly like him. I guess that what happens when you spend your day staring at someone continually. I make I mental not to myself to stop doing that, staring at him. Surprisingly I haven't looked at him at all this period, but I still have fifteen minutes left so who knows.

It hurts a lot more than I thought it would to not talk to Luke. I don't know what it is about him but he always just gets me to open up. That kind of scares me though because I feel like I have no control over anything when I'm around him, especially what comes out of my mouth. I'm not afraid to be a complete idiot in front of him and I don't have to keep an act up when I'm around him, I can just be me and I like that. But at that same time I hate the fact that he has that power over me. I like to be able to at least control my emotions and he takes that away from and that basically leaves me with nothing.

The one time I did control myself around Luke was when I told him that I wanted him to leave after he spent the whole day with me. I know I sounded like nothing more than a cold hearted bitch but when I think about everything, what's bound to happen in the long run, I know that it's best to cause the pain now and not lead him on. If I had waited and let things play out I would have wound up hurting him more than I did now and probably would have hurt a lot more people in the process.

I glance up at the clock and close my binder seeing that there is only a minute left to class. I don't want to take the chance of being cornered by Lucas again, which was just awkward last time. And than I left my drawing in here, that just makes things worse. As the bell rings I quickly shove my things into my bag and head out of the room. As I walk pass Luke's desk I see him glance up at me and start to move faster but so do I.

My legs carry me into the halls and out of that horrid classroom. I need my books for second period but that means stopping at my locker and that give Luke that chance t catch up to me. I can't take that chance so screw the books, I'll just have to transfer the notes later, that is if I actually take any this time. A period of drawing is looking better than note right now but than again it always does.

"Peyton" I hear the voice ring through my ears as I shove through the rapidly crowding halls, hoping to get lost in the mix. I just have to make it around the corner and down the hall and then I'm safe. I don't care if I'm early for class as long as I don't have to face Luke. The more I think about talking to him that more I feel guilty about things. I quickly think of all the pain I would have caused him but that only helps a little. I can feel him getting closer to me but I can't seem to push through the people any faster. "Peyton slow down, I need to talk to you." I can hear him right behind me and I know that there is no way I can get away from him. He plays basketball, he weaves through aggressive people for hours everyday, I don't know why I thought I stood a chance getting away.

"What" I say a little harsher than I intended as I turned around with my eyes shut in slight frustration. When I open them I'm shocked to find someone other than Lucas staring back at me. "Ricky" I mumbled trying to recover from my shock.

"Hey you" I watch him smile at me like I'm supposed to melt. I'm a cheerleader he's a basketball player we're meant to be I should just throw myself into his arms right now so he can carry me off into the sunset. Oh wait I dated the start basketball player and he rode me off into hell. He broke me from my thoughts what he finally removed the stupid grin form his face and started talking again. Lucas was the only one who had a smirk that I liked, well that I loved actually. "You know I've been thinking about you a lot lately."

"That's nice." I replied while silently cursing myself for thinking about Luke and his damn smirk. With that thought running through my head I really just wanted to get to class. This whole stupid conversation or lack there of was giving Lucas a chance to catch up to me. "Yeah, well I was just kind of wondering whether you wanted to go out with me. And not just on a date, I mean be my girlfriend." He looked at me with hopeful eyes. I was attempting to register what the guy had said, but my mouth had apparently already registered and was ready to talk.

"Yeah, well I was just kind of wondering how a basketball player could sound so pathetic." My voice had a slight edge to it but that was intended. I shook my head and got ready to turn around. This was the last person I wanted to waste precious time on. As soon as I got ready to move my feet I spotted Lucas walking towards me. Maybe if I'm not available he'll get the hint and move on. AT least I hope so because I really don't want to listen to this guy and his pathetic lines for nothing. I can already see his heart breaking as I prepare myself to speak. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the best thing for everyone involved, the least amount of people get hurt this way and that what I'm shooting for. More specifically I'm not trying to hurt Lucas more than I have to but I really hope he can move on after this and find someone he deserves and that deserves him, someone who can truly make him happy because that person definitely isn't me. "But, I don't see the harm." 

I flash him a flirtatious smile and watch a goofy smile play on his lips, it was almost cute but nothing compared to Luke's. I stop myself from thinking as I feel Rick's arm around my shoulder. As Rick walks me to class I can feel Luke's eyes on me. I know he's watching me with those eyes I adore so much, those eyes that always seem to keep me captivated.

I want to turn around and look at Luke, I want to turn and break away from Rick and run to Lucas, right into him arms. That's out of the question though. Lucas isn't' an option to me anymore and I've made sure of that. I care about him too much to slowly rip his life apart like I do to everyone else, I want him to be happy, truly happy and I guess that's love. Giving up someone you really care about so that they can have everything they deserve, so that they can find someone to cherish other than you, someone who is going to cherish them just as much if not more.


	5. Chapter 4

The rest of the day went by pretty slow. I was thankful that Lucas didn't try to approach me but he had the same devastated look on his face all day and it broke my heart. Right now thats all I'm thinking about even though I'm sitting on Rick's bed. How twisted and wrong is that...I'm on my boyfriend's bed thinking about another guy. Ha...if Rick only knew I'm sure he'd throw a fit. I can hear him now...what's Lucas got that I don't?

At this very moment though I'm going through what I'd call a Nathan relapse. All this guy talks about is basketball. I spent three years listen to Nate talk about the damn sport and I'm really not interested in doing it again. This, Rick, is probably my punishment for hurting Luke and I can honestly say I deserve it and so much more.

To be honest though I'd much rather be sitting on Nate's bed talking or rather listening to him. He complained about everything but the truth is he had crap to complain about. Dan was and still is a total ass and he pushed Nate past his limit. But after so much you don't wanna hear the complaining hours on end, well I know I didn't. I had my own problems but I kept them to myself because no one ever asked...I don't think they ever cared.

My hazel eyes follow Rick as he paces the room. I don't really know what he's talking about. Its kinda just like 'blah blah blah'. I tuned him out almost two hours ago and I just catch little words and nod here and there. This kid just brags and brags about how good he is. I could understand Nate's bragging he was actually good at the game. Rick on the other hand kinda sucks. Apparently someone once told him he was good and he let it go straight to his head and I'm sitting here waiting for him to topple over cause he keeps making it bigger. This really is some form of torture, it has to be.

The only good thing about this relationship is that in the end neither of us will be hurt. I'm gunna be another trophy for one of the guys on the team, someone to show off to his friends. He doesn't actually care about me like Lucas did so he won't get hurt. And I know I don't care about him and I've come to the conclusion that I will never care about him so I can't be hurt by him. No caring, no feeling, no falling and landing on your ass...hard. And all that equates no problems and that's just fine in my book.

"So, do you have anything to talk about other then basketball?" I ask him. I'm tired of feeling guilty and the more I think the more reasons I come up with to feel that way. Rick just looks at me though like he's contemplating his response and I'm sure he is. It's kinda sad that he had nothing of substance in his oversized head. I just continue staring at him.

"Well, if you don't wanna talk we could always do other things" he walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I look up at him and let out a small laugh...more like a scuff actually. I stand up and give a small smile.

"Um, how about not" I move my shoulder so that he hand falls back to his side where it belongs. Its okay though because at the moment he's only reminding me that I have nothing to worry about with him.

"Peyton, come on." He slips his hands around my waist and looks into my eyes pleadingly. God he really must think I'm the movie script cheerleader...boy is he wrong. The only thing that I have in common with the average cheerleader is being a bitch and I'm sure this whole situation and relationship only proves that but at the moment that's not my problem. My problems are much bigger than that but right the center of my problems is the jackass in front of me that won't keep his damn hands to himself.

"Listen I said no, I'm just not in the mood." I send him one of my infamous glares that tend to send people like him back to the dark slimy hole they crawled up from. I slide past him and make my way to his desk hoping to get off this wonderful sex topic that were heading into.

"You were always in the mood with Nathan" his tone is arrogant. I freeze where I am and close my eyes. I can't believe what that ass just said to me. I try to burry my emotions but its not working. I just take a deep breath. I think part of what bothers me is that fact that he's right, I was pretty much always in the mood with Nate but that's just what our relationship was like. Besides I have no plans on heading into that territory anytime soon, more like never again actually. I take another breath and this time the anger and hurt disappear, almost completely.

"Well you're not Nathan" My voice is bitchy and I take in his shocked and pissed off face as I turn to meet his gaze. I wait for his comment but when he says nothing I shake my head and get ready to turn around. But before I know it he's in front of me and has his face buried in my neck. I can feel his heavy breathing against my skin.

"Maybe you should treat me like you did him. I think that would be the best for everyone." I turn my head to look at him the best I can. I try to comprehend what he just said but I'm not getting very far. That kinda of just put my mind in overdrive and now nothing seems to be right. The only thing that I know is that I don't like where this conversation is heading, I don't like where he's heading.

"Look Rick, I don't wanna screw you right now so get over it." I brush past him but he grabs my arm and pulls me back into him. I can feel my emotions running wild and I can't seem to stop them.

"I think you need to fix your attitude. I don't know how the hell Nathan put up with you. You must have been one hell of a fuck." His voice is cold and cruel. My stomach starts to turn as freight invades my veins. But when I get scared I get pissed off…it's my defense mechanism and right now I think it's a good thing.

"I think you need to fix you own damn attitude" I shoot back, glaring at him. I try to suppress everything else I am feeling, especially my fright but I can feeling it burning inside of me. I tear my hand away from him and continue glaring. I want to give Luke a reason to move on but I'm gunna have to find another way because as of right now this relationship is about to be over. "I'm not about to be at your beck and call every time you want some. If that's what you looking for I suggest you go find yourself some whore." I watch his face contort in anger as I wait for his response.

"I thought I did" I'm in complete shock and once again I can't really register the things I'm hearing but my reflexes are working just fine. Before I know it I hear the sharp sound of my hand slamming against the side of his face. As I bring my hand back to my side I see the red handprint on his cheek and it give me a satisfied feeling.

"You bitch" I hear the anger in his voice as he focuses his eyes on me again.

"Serves you right" before I can even finish and think about leaving my back is against the wall.

"Don't you ever do that again" His lips are on mine before I can react. I snap my head to the side and break us apart. I bring my knee into his precious jewels and watch him bend over holding himself.

"Don't YOU ever do that again! What the hell is wrong with you, you twisted little freak." And I thought I had problems. I can feel the anger boiling inside of me but I try to remain composed and I walk towards the door before I do something stupid, not that I would regret it much at this point. I stop at the door and glance back him to finalize things. "We're through!"

"Oh no were not. We're not through till I say so," He says as he makes his way towards the door, towards me. 

"Maybe in you little world that's how it went, but not now" I close my eyes suddenly as the knot in my stomach grows and pain shoot up the side of my face. With all the thoughts running though my head I feel like I'm going to faint but I remain in control and head out the door before that ass can get any closer to me. I feel his hand on my arm suddenly and then I'm right next to his face.

"This IS my world, welcome to it" he leans down and kisses me quickly before letting go. "Bye Peyt." I give him a look of shock and confusion, I don't know if I'm even angry anymore. I don't think I'm scared either because I have no clue what's going on.

I walk to my car and drive home. I don't really think about much, I just try and sort things out in my head. Like I said I have no clue what happened and I don't think I wanna know. When I get home I go straight to my room and change. I don't bother to do anything else, I just get into bed. I really just want this day to disappear, I wish it never happened. I close my eyes and I know that tomorrow is another day that probably won't be much different from today, but it's a day I don't have to deal with yet. 

I guess Rick really is what I get for hurting Lucas.


	6. Chapter 5

I was standing in the hall talking and laughing with Brooke. Suddenly the fire alarm went off and that's when I bolted upright in my bed. Dreams are horrible things. They give you all the things you want but in the morning all those things get snatched away again and your forced to admit that none of it is real. As my hand crashes down on my beeping alarm clock all I can think about is how much I would love to have Brooke in my life again. She's been with me through just about everything and as the last night invades my mind I realize how much I wish she could be here now.

My legs reluctantly find their way off the edge of the soft bed and the soft carpet quickly greets my feet, tickling my bare toes. I close my eyes as I bring myself to a standing position. I run my fingers through my now matted curls, pushing my head back. I open my eyes and I sharp pain radiated through my face causing me to dread the day more. My eyes shifter towards my computer screen and focused on the blinking box. I walk over to the computer and frown when I see that the message is from none other then Rick.

-I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have pushed you like that, it was wrong. It's just that you kept pushing me and I snapped. I promise I'll never do it again. Love you Peyt, cant wait to see you today-

I roll my eyes and let out a bitter laugh as I close the box and walk over to my closet. I could care less what I put on so I pull out a pair of hip huggers and loose black t-shirt. I just want to be comfortable today, I'm not in the mood to please anyone. My legs carry me towards the bathroom and I absentmindedly drag my hand across the wall, flicking on the light. I grab my toothbrush and turn on the faucet, letting the cold water splash around the edges or the sink. The mint flavor of the toothpaste is refreshing in my mouth and as I drag the toothbrush around my mouth and force myself to stay awake and I tell myself that I have to go to school. I rinse my mouth and splash the cold water on my face and it sooths the burning sensation around my eye. I use my towel to dry off the excess water before stripping my pajamas off and putting on my outfit for the day.

I take a deep breath as I reach over the counter for my makeup bag. Slowly I slide the zipper back and set the beg down on the counter before me. My think fingers dig through the various products until they grasp the round container filled with my beige cover-up. I look up at my reflection in the mirror and push my emotions to the side along with my urge to crawl into the nearest corner and breakdown crying. I dip my finger tips into the moist cream and then message it gently over the black and clue blemish surrounding my eye. I can't help but to flinch as I drag my fingers across certain areas of my face but I burry the pain as well and keep going. I still can't believe this happened but I'm not angry. The only thought that comes to my mind is that maybe I deserved this. I know that can't be right but the thought is still there. The more I think about it, the more I make sense of everything.

I've spent the majority of my life bringing pain to other people, but nothing ever seems to happen to me. All I get is loneliness and

Guilt, and as strong as those two emotions can be they don't really compare to what I cause for other people. Everyone I know has always thought that Rick was a great guy, caring and sweet. Well that could only mean that I'm doing what I do best…bringing out the bad side of my boyfriend. I'm beginning to think that's all I know how to do. This time though I wasn't gunna ruin Rick's life and get away with it. I might be responsible for causing him some kind of pain but I'm also gunna get the pain.

Once again the drive t school is lonely but it goes by more quickly today. I spend the entire time debating what to do and evaluating my options. I weigh everything against something else and try to find some kind of justification for everything that's going on. As I step out of my car and make my way over to Rick all that floods my mind is that I'm doing this for Lucas.

I come up right next to Rick and I wrap my arm around his. He leans down to kiss me and because I know this game I kiss him back. In return we receive subtle awes from the group as they admire the new couple. This is just another act for me, something to sue to practice my 'skill'. I can feel Lucas watching us as we roam the halls talking to various people. I just remain smiling even though being anywhere near this asshole makes me want to launch. This is like some cruel unusual punishment…but then again, it's about time I got mine.


	7. Chapter 6

Even though I'm giving it all I have, I can't concentrate on English right now. As I look outside the window the pain shooting through my face only gets worse. I turn back towards the teacher to try and pay attention but everything stats spinning. I close my eyes as they start stinging almost as bad as the rest of my face. The thought of going to Rick's house in 20 minutes only makes everything hurt more.

I thought I could do this. I honestly believed that I could make this kind of sacrifice for Lucas and his well being but I don't think I can anymore. I feel like throwing up when I think of Rick and I can't explain what I feel when I think of being alone with him. I have no clue how far he'll go and I don't think I wanna stick around to find out. I try to remind myself that I'm doing this to help everyone else but is it really worth hurting myself?

I don't have an answer to that question now and I highly doubt I'll have one in the next 15 minutes either. I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I'll alone with Rick. Am I supposed to seem scared or do I act like nothing is wrong? Which one is going to keep him away from me? I can't just give him what he wants, I did that once before and I don't wanna do it again but I don't know if I have a choice.

There is no way for me to get out of going to Rick's tonight but where do things go from there. If I tell him it's over I don't know what he'll do. He could be one of those 'if I can't have you no one can' people. I may not like my life but I don't wanna be beat to death. I hate to admit it but I'm scared. I really hate the fact that Rick has that power over me, that just the thought of him send chills down my spine. I don't like being scared of I've always avoided it at all cost but this time I don't think I can avoid it, any of it.

I look up at the clock and my heart skips a beat when I realize that I only have 2 minutes until the period ends, until I have to meet Rick, until I have to be alone with him. I look back out the window and all I can think about those few minutes last night that changed my life. It's still just a blur and it's hard to believe that its having this much of an impact of on me. I'm being controlled by something I don't even understand, something I don't remember.

The sudden ringing in my ears interrupts my thoughts but not my fears. I watch momentarily as all the other students pack up their things and prepare to leave the room. Most of them are going to the safety of their own homes. Others are getting ready to greet their boyfriend or girlfriend with open, loving arms. Some are going to practice and games but because of my luck both basketball and cheerleading are cancelled for the day. I shove my binder into my bag and stand form my desk. I'm one of the last people to leave the room and I can't make my legs move faster then they are, not that I want them to. I see Brooke out of the corner of my eye and look in her direction. She catches my glance and glares at me before turning away and walking swiftly to her car.

"Hey babe, you ready to go" My stomach knots and I feel like I'm going to pass out when I feel his hand snake around my waist. Tears fill my eyes as the fear radiates through my veins but I push everything to the side because I know what I have to do.

"Yeah" I smile up at him and he leans down. I close my eyes as his lips touch mine and I don't think I've ever been more repulsed. I was thrilled when he didn't shove his tongue in my mouth. I smiled again as we pulled apart. He told me to follow his car since I had driven to school and that we were going straight to his house.

"I'll take you to school from now on" he said. It was almost sweet; in fact it would have been if he hadn't left a fist print around my eye last night.

"You don't have to do that" I respond as I continue to smile and we walk towards the parking lot.

"But I want to" He grins again and I'm surprise when it makes me think of Nathan. It's not that Luke and Nate have different grins but Rick's just makes me think of Nate's for some reason. I push the thought aside as he pulls away from me and walks towards his car as I walk towards mine. AS I throw my stuff in the back seat and start the engine I see Nathan and Haley walk behind me. Why can't I find something like they have? They are always so happy together and they seem to perfect. Nothing in my life is perfect and I know that I'm jealous of what they have, that thing that I can't find, not that I really know what that thing is. I just know that I want it for myself.

I reverse out of my parking space and I pull up behind Rick's car. I see him look back at me and smile and I don't' have to force myself to smile back, it's almost like it happens out of instinct now, I've gotten so used to faking my life its almost feels real. How messed up is that. We both stop at the school's main exit. He puts his signal on to go left and I do the same. If I turn right thought I can go home and I don't have to put up with his shit tonight. He'd probably follow me though. But if I didn't go home he wouldn't know where I went, I'd just have to get myself lost for a few hours. I watch him make the left turn and I pull up to where he was before. I look at the empty road and get ready tot urn the wheel my mind still debating what to do.

I don't know why but I follow him, I make the left turn and follow him to his house. Something makes me think that maybe this is what's supposed to happen. I mean if I had made the right turn I would have gotten away for tonight but I would have just made things worse for tomorrow. Hell, he might have gone to my house and waited for me. I get the feeling he knows that my dad isn't home, I think most people do. Making that right turn would have been wrong, it would have only caused me to dig myself deeper into the hole I'm in.

I follow him into his driveway and shut off my car behind his. He gets out and looks at me, waiting for my door to open. After a minor hesitation I push my door open and step out, closing it slowly behind me. I walk up to him with the same smile plastered on my shiny pink lips. He wraps his arm around my waist as we walk to his front door. Our cars our the only one's in the driveway which means his parents aren't home, just like they weren't home last night, just like they'll probably never be home. He opens the door and pulls me inside, shutting the door behind him.


	8. Chapter 7

The sound of the door closing behind me continues to echo through my ear even as I follow him up the stairs and into his room. He shuts his room door behind me too and now I know I'm stuck with him. I have to be the biggest idiot. I mean who would actually follow this creep back to his house and then into his room. Oh yea…me. I can see him looking at me from the corner of his eye as I sit uncomfortably on his bed.

"Loosen up babe" just the sound of his voice make my stomach knot and my heart skips a beat when he moves closer to me. He crawls onto the bed and kneels behind me, letting his hands rest on me neck. As his fingers move up and down my shoulders I just sit there against my will. Normally I wouldn't mind a message but this is a different story. I squirm from under his grasp and shove his hands off.

"I'm fine" I reassure him with a small laugh anything to make things seem believable, to make him stay away from me. He puts his hands back on my shoulders but this I can feel them slid slowly down my chest. "Rick…" I try to move away but he just wraps his hands around my waist and pulls me closer to him.

"What" his voice is muffled as he buries his face into my neck, trailing kisses along my skin. I roll my eyes and push him off of me again but he pulls me too him before I can stand up. "Come on Peyton…" I can feel his grip tightening around my waist and his arms push in so hard it hurts.

"Stop…" I manage to say but I can't get away from him. The worst part is that I put myself into this situation. I had so many chances to get away from him even today but I ignored them all. Now I'm stuck here unable to do anything about it. I can feel the cold from his hands against my stomach as he grips the bottom of my shit. "Rick…" I mumble again as I try even harder to pull away but I accomplish is him pulling me closer. He pulls his lips from my neck just long enough to pull my shirt over my head and toss it to the floor. He smiles at me, this sickening grin that makes me want to puke.

He lets go of me suddenly and I think that maybe he's gunna stop but I should know better. He moves in front of me and pushes me down onto the bed, straddling my body as he leans back down kissing my neck. His hands are wrapped so tightly around my wrists that I can feel my fingers going numb. I can feel my breathing grow heavy as he moves to sit on my stomach. I try to tell him stop but I can't find my voice anymore. I put all my energy into trying to breath but I'm not getting anywhere. I close my eyes as my lungs start to burn. The pain is excruciating as I feel his hips crushing my ribs.

Then it all just goes away. I open my eyes and he's gone, he's not breathing down my neck anymore, instead he's walking over to his computer. I sit up and look at his retreating back in confusion. I don't spend time trying to comprehend anything though; I reach for my shirt and pull it over my head. I stay on the bed unsure of what to do next. If I move is he gunna scream at me or is he just expecting me leave?

I continue to just sit there for the next five minutes and I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. "Why didn't you live miss independent" His voice was teasing me as he scanned over me with his eyes. I didn't have an answer for him so I stayed quiet. I don't know why I didn't just leave, I wanted to leave, I was pissed off at him for even thinking about touching me, but I stayed. "So you're not as tough as you think you are." The comment sends me over the edge and I bite my tongue to prevent myself from saying anything I'd regret.

"Screw you asshole" that was a mistake and so is me getting up to leave. The door is shut before I have it fully open and he sends me flying across the room on my ass.

"What the hell did you say" he kneels over me and I sit upright, glaring directly into his eyes.

"Screw you…" I don't get to finish because my mouth is suddenly full of blood and my back is pressed against the floor again. I spit the blood out and can feel hate running through me. "Asshole" I know that wasn't smart but it feels good to say it. It doesn't feel good when he hits me again however, or when he does it a third and fourth time. Or when he knees me in the stomach for that matter. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes but I know that's what he wants and I refuse to give him any sort of pleasure. It takes everything I have but I get to my feet and he stands dangerously close to me. I turn my back on him and walk away only to have him yank me back by my arm so that I'm standing face to face with the scumbag. He lips are pressed against mine and he shoves his tongue into my mouth.

"I love you" he says calmly as he smiles and steps back. I turn around but he doesn't let go of me, instead he grips my arms tighter and I can feel his nails slice slowly through my skin.

"I love you too" my voice is bitter but he lets go of me and I walk quickly out of his room and out of his house.


	9. Chapter 8

As I stare at my reflection in the mirror I can see the bruises starting to appear on my face. I always thought those people that stayed in abusive relationships were weak…so what does that say about me.

Hypocrite. That's the one word that would describe me right now. I've always looked down on those who were to afraid to stand up for themselves. In my heart I still look down on people who don't stand up for themselves but I'm not looking down on myself. There's no difference between me and them…but that means I can't say them. That means that its us…there's no difference between us. But there really is a difference. I deserve what's happening to me and they don't.

I don't know why I keep saying that I deserve to have the crap beat out of me because I know it's a lie. No one deserves that, especially not a woman but that doesn't keep the thought from invading my mind. It's all I think about and it's my only excuse so I believe it. Maybe I'm just stupid. I have the choice to leave, there's nothing making me stay with him. He's not holding a gun to my head like some men would which means I don't have an excuse.

I can't help but wonder if this is what Rick wants me to think. This is all one big mind game and that's about the only thing I understand. It's about power and he has it. But it's not just a mind game because he's using his physical strength against me. The way I figure it he's cheating… Why am I making this into a game? Games are fun and this is everything but. The more I try to figure it out the more confused I get.

I turn the light out in the bathroom and I'm glad to see my maimed feature disappear. It doesn't stay that way for long however because my eyes begin to focus on the full length mirror in my room beside my night stand. I can't feel it but I can see my hands shaking. I clench my fist but that doesn't make it stop, in fact it just makes me shake more. I gently lift my shirt to reveal the deep blue blemish on my stomach. There is a round one on each side and a straight line connecting the two. I flinch as I drag my hand from one side to the other and my skin feels like it's burning. I try to breathe in deep but I gasp from the pain. That only leads to coughing which leads to more pain. It's a lose-lose situation at the moment and there is nothing I can do but ride it out. I look back into the mirror as I feel the corner of my mouth grow wet and warm. I watch as the thick red line escapes my lips and slides slowly down my chin.

I wipe the blood away just as the tears begin to build behind my hazel eyes. I still refuse to let them fall because I refuse to grow any weaker. I refuse to let him win this battle. I return to my bathroom and run the cold water in the sink. The cold feels good against my burning gums but it hurts to spit the water back out. Everything hurts and I know that it will only hurt more in the morning. It's something to look forward to now, something to wake up to…pain. I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually but I wish I didnt' have to. It shouldn't have to be this way but it is and for some reason I can't will myself to change it. I'm stuck in the position I'm in and that's all that can be said.

I leave my bathroom again and suddenly walking hurts. Those few steps make me want to break down and cry. I've never felt this kind of physical pain before but I do know that I don't like it. This is what he wants and it's what he thrives on. It would make him happy to see me like this and that only seems to make it hurt more. I've turned into one of those people I hate, one of those people I said I would never become. I've let myself get caught up in his world and now I'll be living by his rules.

My room starts spinning around me as I get myself lost in thoughts of my last two evenings. Everything's a blur and the only I things I can make out is Rick's clenched fist and the building pain in my stomach. It's hard to breathe and it hurts as well. I hold my stomach and for some reason it causes me to develop just about the worst headache I've ever had. My ears are over come by a constant ringing. I feel like I'm stuck underwater but I can't swim to the surface. The light is so bright it's blinding me but I can't reach it. It's like I'm watching myself drown, I can feel my body sinking slowly and there's nothing I can do. Then…everything goes black.


	10. Chapter 9

I open my eyes and I can see underneath my bed. I feel my carpet beneath me and I suddenly remember everything that has happened. I wish I didn't remember any of it, I wish it was all a dream. I think that it might be a dream but as the pain shoots through my veins I know that my nightmares have become reality.

I let my hands rest against my forehead and I can feel my skin burning against my finger tips. I force myself to stand up and I look forward into the darkness. The only thing a can see is the think strip of moonlight sneaking in through my window and the bright red lines on my clock telling me that it's a little past 2 in the morning. I unbutton my jeans and slide them over my hips and it feels as though I've been stabbed in various places all over my body. I positing myself in the small amount of light and I can see the discoloration on my waist again. The marks seem bigger now though and they hurt more too. I slide my shirt over my head and reach for my dad's old t-shirt that I have thrown on my computer chair.

The thick cotton smells like him and it makes me feel a little better. I wish he was home, I wish that someone was here with me. I hate being here by myself night after night. I used to beg my parents to leave me alone for a weekend because I loved being home alone but now I'd give anything to here a voice other then my own echo through these lonely walls.

If these old walls could talk I wonder what they would say. They see everything that goes on in this house and they see how I've changed. These walls are the only ones who have seen my smile slowly fade away day after day. But they can't do anything about it. The walls can't hold me and they can't tell me that things will get better. They have seen the tears pour from my eyes and soak through my pillow but they don't come to wipe the tears away. They can protect me from whatever storm is brewing outside but they can't protect me form the storm I've created within myself, the storm that's slowly ripping me apart.

I always thought that I would get used to the loneliness and when I realized that I wouldn't I thought that it would get easier. But it never did, it only got harder and it only continues to grow lonelier with each passing day. I lay down in my bed and pull the comforter over me. I hear the wind whistling outside and the house creaks and groans. I remember be younger and hearing my mom or dad come upstairs late at night and the old wooden steps would make the same noises they are making now. But I pull the covers tighter around me because I know that neither of my parents are going to look in on me and smile before turning out the hall light. No one is going to look in on me because I'm alone.


	11. Chapter 10

"Hey sexy" I whisper seductively into his ear. I don't why I always do this, but I do. Its almost like a habit now, a bad habit at that. But what else am I supposed to do? This is my life, one sorry play after another. My last show ended and this was the next role I chose so I have to deal with it.

"Hey babe" He leans down to kiss me and my mouth is filled with nothing but disgust, I have to tolerate it though. I pull away and I can see his friends smiling at how cute we look. Its sickening really, especially when they talk about how good of a guy he is and how wonderful he must treat me. If they only knew. I guess I'm not the only one with a secret life.

He puts his arm around my waist and I have to grit my teeth in order to bare the pain. He knows it hurts because he just pulls my closer, his arm growing tighter. I've always been pretty good with pain but now I wanna break down in tears. I know that's exactly what he's waiting for though and I refuse to give him the satisfaction. This is my game that I've been playing for god knows how long…I'm not about to let him beat me. He's already come in and changed all the rules but I'm determined to beat him at his own game.

We walk to my class together because appearances are everything in this relationship. We can't take the chance of someone suspecting anything, so we have to seem perfect and were both good at it so we can pull perfect off perfectly. I watch Brooke round the corner ahead of us and she looks up to meet my gaze. She doesn't glare at me this time though, she just looks, almost sympathetically and I can read her eyes just like she can read mine. We've spent so much time together that words don't need to be exchanged anymore. She knows something's wrong but I doubt she knows what. She looked down on the girls that stayed in these relationships just like I did. Besides its too early for her to know, I just hope my eyes don't give me away too soon. I have to learn to play by his rules and get the upper hand before I can take the chance of even thinking about letting my guard down.

We stop in front of the classroom and he leans down to kiss me. I kiss him back only because of obligation. My mind floods with memories and suddenly its Nathan's lips that are attached to mine, and I'm enjoying the kiss. He taste like Nathan and he feel like Nathan but when we pull apart I'm forced back into reality and its not Nathan standing in front of me. I look out of the corner of my eye and see Nathan kissing Haley, not me…I was kissing Rick.

I smile up at Rick before I adjust the strap of my bag and walk into the classroom, a fake smile plastered on my face and I can here the other girls snicker and say that 'someone's in love'. My smile just grows wider and I blush, the reaction is almost automatic and it scares me how natural it all feels. Another sickening feeling enters my body as I see Lucas with heartbreak all over his face and in his eyes. His perfect blue eyes are tinted with a pain I put there.

We're the high school tragedy. Boy falls in love with girl and girl falls in love with boy. Boy and girl come from different societies where they are unaccepted. That's were Shakespeare disappears but not completely. I'll give it a twist. It's not that someone else wants the girl, but the girl's best friend wants the boy. Well this best friend plays games and fools with everyone's head, telling lies and spreading deceit. Now let's twist it again. Best friend gets boy and girl is left there to watch them be happy. Now if you thought Shakespeare liked drama, let's twist again. Girl's father is lost and boy offers to help her find him. Girl gets emotional and gives into temptations and then boy pulls back because of girl's best friend. Girl tries to forget the betrayal but boy keeps pushing and the secret affair starts behind best friend's back. Twist. Boy gets into bad accident and betrayal only deepens. Twist. Best friend finds out about girl and boy and girl loses best friend and boy loses girl. Twist. Girl wants boy to move on so girl starts a new relationship which only leads to pain and in the end boy is still in pain. So this story ends with everyone in pain and the moral is to not play games.

Peyton Sawyer, Lucas Scott, and Brooke Davis. The three of us are the lead in this Tree Hill Tragedy but I'm the key to all of it. I connect it all. Take me out of the picture and you're left with happiness…so what does that tell me? I can't help but wonder if it's finally time to remove myself from the equation so that the healing can begin and the knots can finally start to come undone.


End file.
